So many challenges come with parenting and a lot of times we might be left feeling like we’re barely scraping by. It can seem like there aren’t enough hours in the day, or at least not enough energy to get through those hours. So many times at the end of the day, once the kids are finally in bed, I just want to collapse and ignore the messy house and dishes piled in the sink. And that’s often exactly what I do.
There’s no question that raising kids is hard, so I think we need to give ourselves a break sometimes and not be our own worst critics. But the thoughts of self-doubt still linger. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have 
things figured out and I’m learning as I go. But I’d like to think that I’m doing my best. Giving all I can to my family to try to do what’s best for them. However, if I really let myself stop and think about it, I start to question, am I? Am I really doing my best? I know it certainly could be done better and I fall short in many ways.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve cared less and less about what other people think. Time spent worrying about other people’s impression of me and my parenting choices would be a waste. It’s one of the qualities I’ve always admired about Evan—that he doesn’t seem to care what others think. But it’s taken a lot longer for me to get to that point. Even if I’m able to quickly dismiss other’s opinions, I still have to face my own criticism.
I’m constantly questioning if I’m making the right choices for Gage. Or if I’m doing enough to help him. I hate feeling stuck in the middle of two choices without a clear feeling in either direction of what’s right. I also feel like there’s always more I could be doing for him, whether it’s making sure he gets enough calories, or enough activity or the right treatments and medications. And even now as I write this, I feel a hint of guilt that my focus is so much on Gage and start to question if I’m giving Caleb enough of what he needs. Caleb is ornery and gets away with a lot because sometimes I’m consumed with helping Gage, or distracted in other ways. I know Caleb has important needs too and I think finding the balance between taking good care of both my kids will get even trickier as they grow.
I was hesitant to write this because it seems pretty negative, and I don’t really have a positive spin to put on it and neatly wrap it up. But I think after writing some stuff down, I do feel a little better just getting it out there. I know I’ll never be the perfect mom, and I’ll screw up and maybe make some of the wrong choices or fail to do everything I could. But I also know I still have worth in spite of all that. I’ll keep leaning on God to help get me through and have faith that He has a plan for our family—one that’s better than I can even imagine.