Month: May 2020

A few months ago a memory popped up on Facebook from my pregnancy with Gage. Evan was holding the picture from our 20 week ultrasound, smiling proudly. Both he and that tiny baby in the black and white photo were giving a thumbs up. Seeing the memory immediately made me smile, feeling happy and nostalgic. Those feelings were followed by a nagging hint of melancholy.

I had captioned that post “thumbs up for a healthy baby boy!” Most of my pregnancy involved nothing but feelings of happiness and excitement as we anticipated becoming parents. The ultrasound that day was so thorough. Evan and I giggled together as we learned we were having a boy. The tech walked us through every detail, all the measurements, checked all the things. There was never any suspicion that things weren’t going along just as they should be.

That nagging sadness is the result of an unanswered question… at what point during my pregnancy did a virus I’d never heard of change the course of my child’s life? Not only was I completely unaware of CMV during my pregnancy, I don’t recall ever even feeling sick at any point during those 9 months, aside from early morning nausea during the first trimester.

An ultrasound after birth, this one of Gage’s brain, revealed several markings indicating damage and perhaps suggesting the infection was onset early in my pregnancy. But it all still seems more mysterious than conclusive. I joke with myself that the last time Gage ever gave a thumbs up may have been at 20 weeks gestation. Since birth, he has defaulted to keeping his hands held in tight fists with his thumbs tucked inside.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, the baby was measuring a bit small, but the doctor didn’t seem overly concerned. He mentioned doing a second, late term ultrasound, but we didn’t end up having it. I often think back and wonder if that second ultrasound would have made a difference. Would we have known prior to delivery that something was off? That my tiny baby was especially tiny? That his head was extra small? Would it have indicated any brain damage or other problems? Would it have changed our actions or plans for delivery at all?

Wondering about those things leads to the next loaded question. Do I wish we would have known sooner? After years to reflect on that, I think I can finally say with some certainty that the answer is no. I’m not sure knowing earlier could have yielded any different outcomes. What it likely would have done is caused me to worry more and feel completely stressed out at the end of my pregnancy, instead of nervously excited as my due date approached.

In retrospect, I wouldn’t change those last few weeks of ignorant bliss and anticipation. Who’s to say if more time to research, worry and try to prepare for something that nothing can prepare you for would have made any difference. What I know for sure is that I’ve been absolutely crazy about my sweet boy at every point along the way, whether I was seeing him for the first time in a grainy ultrasound image, snuggling him to my chest shortly after birth, and to this day as he lays beside me on a swinging hammock, giggling while I type these words.

Knowing about Gage’s unique challenges sooner or later seems far less important than knowing how to love the way he taught me… fully and completely, just as he is. No matter what, our boy has always been deserving of a huge thumbs up!

Three years ago today, I shared my blog for the first time. Back then, I couldn’t have imagined all the ways it would help me. I remember when I started blogging, I made myself a promise that I would always try to be positive and uplifting without sugar coating things. That philosophy has ebbed and flowed through the years, with some updates just being raw and honest, not necessarily finding the silver lining by the time I wrapped up a post.

Today’s Facebook memory of the Wingin’ It anniversary, and thus the original philosophy of sharing positivity, was a welcome reminder. For the last several weeks, I feel like our family has been living the good life! As thrilling as that reality was, I was hesitant to overshare about it, knowing many others were struggling just to keep their heads above water in the midst of this crisis. But in the same way that I don’t want to sugar coat things, I also don’t want to neglect to share the good for fear that it will come off as bragging. Life is filled with ups and downs, sometimes all in the same week, day or hour. We may not be able to sync up our best times and good news with everyone else’s, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth sharing. So here goes…

When he realized stay-at-home orders were imminent, Evan suggested that we relocate to the lake. If we were required to shelter in place, it might as well be our happy place! We’re so incredibly fortunate that my parents have a cabin and were gracious enough to let us stay there. In addition to a free place to stay, the thing that allowed us to take this spontaneous and bizarre vacation was a break in Gage’s therapies. Even as I agreed to keep our appointments when the choice was presented to me, I felt so conflicted about it. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the decision was made for me and the clinic shut their doors. This hiatus in our normal routine freed up our schedule and gave us the flexibility to be somewhere different.

So we cleaned the house, loaded down the car, and headed north. In less than two hours, we were transformed into a laid back state of mind. It was such a strange way to feel in the early days of a pandemic, but every member of our family seemed to unwind a bit. I was overjoyed to have less commitments and my partner present to share the load of everyday life. Evan conducted Zoom meetings from the dock and looked forward to the potential of catching a limit of crappie every day. Caleb was wound up about everything in a new environment. And for Gage, something magical happened. Having as much time as he need to rest and relax and tweaking some of his medications led to a decline in seizure activity. I started to notice more of his personality and spunk peeking through.

Our days at the lake included meals together as a family, throwing rocks in the lake, trips to the “beach,” boat rides, puzzles, naps, and happy hour by the water. We were there to dye and hunt eggs, make resurrection rolls and celebrate Easter. We soaked up sunshine and watched bare trees around us sprout spring blooms, while colorful wild flowers popped up along our walking trails. These spring days spent at the lake and the memories made will always be special to me. It was such a welcome change of pace, and a much needed break.

I know that many people are anxious for things to go back to normal as soon as possible. I get that. But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that dreads getting back into our routine. The experience we’ve had during this exceptional time will change how we make decisions and prioritize things going forward. I also realize others have seriously struggled through the last several weeks for a variety of reasons, and hope that my enjoyment during the same time doesn’t seem insensitive to their challenges. I don’t share our experiences to rub anything in, but to serve as a reminder for myself to not take the simple luxuries in our life for granted.