When I started this blog, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I don’t have experience in web editing and wasn’t sure how to register a domain name or what the heck web hosting was. I would search Pinterest for tips on ‘how to start a blog’ and piece together instructions that seemed to work. To be perfectly honest, so much is still a guessing game and I’m learning as I go. Which seems appropriate given the blog’s title.
While setting it up, I would trouble shoot things to get them to look and work how I wanted. But even taking all that into consideration, one of the hardest parts for me was writing an ‘About Me’ section. Sure, I could tell you all about my awesome husband and my wonderful kids, but I had a very hard time describing what I was, who I am, aside from wife and mother. Months later, I had the same feeling when I was asked to submit a bio to the local newspaper in my hometown before the Tipton Prayer Breakfast. After stating where I went to college and worked, who I was married to and how many kids we had, I felt stuck and asked myself, ‘now what?’
I think there are a few reasons it’s hard to answer the question, ‘who am I?’ Parenting any child requires so much from a person. It’s hard not to lose your identity a bit in caring for a tiny human. Add to that the requirements of special needs parenting—researching diagnoses, accessing therapies, learning how to advocate for your child’s specific needs—and defining yourself by the things you do for you kid becomes even more real. At least it did for me. And I’m willing to bet I’m not alone in that.
I remember the first time Gage did a round of intensive therapy. I was pleased with the format and his outcomes, but my favorite part was the incredible therapists we were introduced to, one who’s a special needs mom herself. One day as we discussed the intensive format, she described how it can be a hard adjustment for parents. It’s easy to get wrapped up in all we do for our kids, which can become such a big part of our identity. The idea of taking extended breaks between therapy sessions rather than ongoing weekly sessions indefinitely, and using that time off to just live and enjoy life can seem like foreign concept. As I listened to her words, I got choked up because they rang so true for me. It was the first time I really recognized just how much I did exactly what she described—defined who I was by what I did.
Another thing that plays into my struggle of figuring out who I am is the amount of change that’s happened in just a few short years. When Evan and I dated and were newlyweds, we were so spontaneous! We would come up with places we wanted to travel to and then just go. We planned our wedding in three weeks, for crying out loud! I loved the freedom to do whatever we wanted all the time. Becoming parents changed our lives in a big way. A big, gigantic, amazing way. But so. much. change! I hope saying that doesn’t give the impression that I long for the days of old or wish things were like they once were. I love, love, love being a mom and feel like a more authentic version of myself than I’ve ever been. But pre-kids, when my life revolved around me, I could easily tell you about my love for travel, plan which concert I’d be going to next, and invite you to happy hour to catch up. When I switched gears to focus on someone else for a change, it became so much harder to define who I was outside of Mom.
Even though I recognize this, I’m not sure where to go from here. I know that it’s a fallacy to define who you are by what you do. I know my worth is more than the roles I play. I also know that I’m still a work in progress. Maybe the things that make it hard for me to say who I am are shaping me into who I’m meant to be. Maybe someday I’ll have a better grasp on that. Until then, I’ll try to focus on whose I am and delight in the fact that I’m known and loved by my creator.
“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”
1 Corinthians 13:12