Thumbs Up

A few months ago a memory popped up on Facebook from my pregnancy with Gage. Evan was holding the picture from our 20 week ultrasound, smiling proudly. Both he and that tiny baby in the black and white photo were giving a thumbs up. Seeing the memory immediately made me smile, feeling happy and nostalgic. Those feelings were followed by a nagging hint of melancholy.

I had captioned that post “thumbs up for a healthy baby boy!” Most of my pregnancy involved nothing but feelings of happiness and excitement as we anticipated becoming parents. The ultrasound that day was so thorough. Evan and I giggled together as we learned we were having a boy. The tech walked us through every detail, all the measurements, checked all the things. There was never any suspicion that things weren’t going along just as they should be.

That nagging sadness is the result of an unanswered question… at what point during my pregnancy did a virus I’d never heard of change the course of my child’s life? Not only was I completely unaware of CMV during my pregnancy, I don’t recall ever even feeling sick at any point during those 9 months, aside from early morning nausea during the first trimester.

An ultrasound after birth, this one of Gage’s brain, revealed several markings indicating damage and perhaps suggesting the infection was onset early in my pregnancy. But it all still seems more mysterious than conclusive. I joke with myself that the last time Gage ever gave a thumbs up may have been at 20 weeks gestation. Since birth, he has defaulted to keeping his hands held in tight fists with his thumbs tucked inside.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, the baby was measuring a bit small, but the doctor didn’t seem overly concerned. He mentioned doing a second, late term ultrasound, but we didn’t end up having it. I often think back and wonder if that second ultrasound would have made a difference. Would we have known prior to delivery that something was off? That my tiny baby was especially tiny? That his head was extra small? Would it have indicated any brain damage or other problems? Would it have changed our actions or plans for delivery at all?

Wondering about those things leads to the next loaded question. Do I wish we would have known sooner? After years to reflect on that, I think I can finally say with some certainty that the answer is no. I’m not sure knowing earlier could have yielded any different outcomes. What it likely would have done is caused me to worry more and feel completely stressed out at the end of my pregnancy, instead of nervously excited as my due date approached.

In retrospect, I wouldn’t change those last few weeks of ignorant bliss and anticipation. Who’s to say if more time to research, worry and try to prepare for something that nothing can prepare you for would have made any difference. What I know for sure is that I’ve been absolutely crazy about my sweet boy at every point along the way, whether I was seeing him for the first time in a grainy ultrasound image, snuggling him to my chest shortly after birth, and to this day as he lays beside me on a swinging hammock, giggling while I type these words.

Knowing about Gage’s unique challenges sooner or later seems far less important than knowing how to love the way he taught me… fully and completely, just as he is. No matter what, our boy has always been deserving of a huge thumbs up!