Tag: stay at home mom

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Leap of Faith

barb and gage
Tiny baby Gage with his sweet and thoughtful pal Barb.

“Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith.” This is printed on a magnet given to me from Barb, one of my favorite coworkers, on my last day in the office. Barb’s an amazing person and friend and has a knack for giving the perfect gifts. This statement rings so true for me related to my decision to stay home with the boys. What once seemed impossible is now our reality.

I spent countless hours reviewing our budget, exploring different insurance options and trying to find any way possible that made sense for us to give up half our income. That was such a scary thought, but my desire to be home just would not go away. We’re only a few months in, and of course we’ve had to make some changes, but I think Evan and I have both been surprised that we haven’t felt more strapped than we have. When we crunched the numbers on paper, we expected to be dipping into savings by now, but that hasn’t happened yet. It’s amazing the way we’ll end up with a pleasant surprise from one source or another, and having just what we need.

I have to remind myself of the ways we’ve been taken care of each step of the leap of faithway. It’s so easy and tempting to worry about the future. In just a few months, Gage will age out of the First Steps program and the assistance we’ve had in paying for equipment will go away. The next hurdle to get past will come when my COBRA insurance coverage runs out and we have to make tough choices about our next steps. All of that is very daunting, but if we’ve been taken care of so far, I have to believe that trend will continue. I hope I’m not being blindly optimistic, because I realize we’ll likely still face many challenges ahead.  But when I have no other way to keep moving forward, I’ll look at that magnet on my fridge and remember to use the only mode of transportation I have left—a leap of faith.

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Afraid to Pray

When I went back to work after having Gage, I quickly had a strong desire to take a break from the workforce and stay home full time. The first time I mentioned this to Evan, he said, “Believe me, I’ve thought of that. I’ve crunched the numbers and I just don’t see how we could make it work.” For us, the kicker was insurance coverage, which I carried for myself and Gage.

During that time, I was meeting regularly with a group of women to have coffee and pray. We would share the struggles we were going through and lift each other up. I can remember at those meetings always expressing the struggles that go along with being a working parent and the challenges of Gage’s needs on top of that. I would often cry with my friends as I shared, even when I didn’t expect to. I’d get a simple question from someone, then end up in tears as I responded.  I think to those women who cared about me and knew me well, it was obvious that my desire was to stay home. But I never dared to speak those words out loud when I asked for their prayers. I would say things like, “please pray for my attitude at work” or request prayers that I could manage my stress and achieve more balance.

One time on a drive back to my hometown with my cousin, I was telling her about my struggles. She’s had her own share of challenges in this life in a completely different way…things I can’t even begin to relate to. She and I grew up together as close as two best friends could be, but during our teenage years, life took us in opposite directions and we lost touch for a long time. Which was incredibly sad, but also made it that much more amazing when she came back into my life and we reconnected.  Anyway, she had just started a new job, which was a challenge for her to get and she was obviously grateful for that opportunity. I felt guilty telling her that I didn’t want to work anymore when, compared to her situation, I had it made. I could take vacation days and had a very flexible schedule, while she was penalized if she was even 5 minutes late for a shift and understood the threat of a layoff due to the seasonal nature of her industry.

But being the understanding friend she is, she didn’t tell me to suck it up and get over it. She said something so profound. I can vividly remember her sitting in my passenger seat saying, “You’ve got to tell God what you want!” It was like best friendsI was getting permission from the most unlikely source to share my true desires with God. It seems so crazy looking back on it, because obviously God already knew what I really wanted, but it seemed impossible and I was so scared to ask for that. From that point forward, I started praying that God would make a way.  Now that my prayers have been answered, I’m reminded that nothing is impossible for God. The best friend riding in the seat next to me was proof of that. If God can restore a relationship that seemed totally lost, he can make a way for me to stay home. Both of those things may have happened on a different timeline than I would have chosen, but as I spend my days at home now with not one but two sweet boys, or get to have lunch and catch up with my cousin, I feel blessed beyond measure. These blessings serve as reminders to look for God’s miracles – making what seems impossible happen.

Philippians 4:6 – Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you want and thank him for all he has done.

Matthew 19:26 – Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”