Tonight I attended a meeting for parents and caregivers of special needs kids. As we went around the room doing introductions, a common theme arose from staff members of the hosting and presenting organizations. They echoed the same sentiment—that they didn’t plan on a career working with the disabled community. But looking back on the steps that led them to where they are now, it’s clear they are exactly where they are meant to be. What a beautiful perspective.
It got me thinking about my own “path” and had me feeling rather reflective on my last few years. As they described things that were falling into place to land them in the jobs they now have, I was nodding in agreement, feeling like my own experience and circumstances have led me to right where I’m supposed to be – at home caring for my boys. It’s no secret how blessed I feel to be able to do this. But the path to get here was much different than I expected.
So often, song lyrics will hit me and speak to my heart. Some that have struck me over and over again are “it’s not the road we would have chosen,” from an Ellie Holcomb song “Find You Here.” Right or wrong, these words describe the way I feel about our journey with Gage. I’ve wrestled with the notion of whether or not I wish things were different. Despite our challenges, we’ve experienced insane amounts of joy over the last few years. Would that intense joy be present in our lives had things stayed simpler? I don’t know. But if I was given a choice to take this journey, without knowing what I know now, I can honestly say that I would not have chosen it. To me, there’s a distinguishable difference between acknowledging that and saying I wish things were different.
But that’s the thing about our life’s journeys. We don’t always get to choose. We may have the best laid plans, and they can change at the drop of a hat. Or it may be a slower and more subtle change, which is how I would describe my own path. After tonight’s meeting, in my reflective state, I was reading through old cards and letters and past journal entries. Looking back on words written months, even years ago, it became evident that God was working on something. I couldn’t see or even imagine it at the time, but He was using those past experiences to bring me to the place I’m at now—the place where I’m meant to be at this moment in time. It’s overwhelming to try and comprehend the ways God is working things out for good. Even now as I struggle to find the words to type, I have to stop and catch my breath (in a good way) with the realization that His plans for Gage’s life and my role as a mom were put into motion long before I even realized it.
I began writing this post with just a title to get started (that I blatantly ripped off a talented songwriter). It seemed to fit with the other emotions whirling around in my head and heart tonight about paths/roads/journeys. But I’m amazed at where I’ve ended up. It seems like every single lyric of that song perfectly describes how God walks our journeys with us. My words feel inadequate to explain how deeply and personally loved I’m feeling by God right now, so I’ll leave you with song lyrics instead. Hopefully they’ll offer some encouragement. Whether encouragement comes from a song, the love of a friend, the kindness of a stranger, or something else completely, my prayer is that we’ll all reach a point in our lives where we look back on our struggles and realize God brought us through them to get us exactly where we need to be.
Find You Here – Philippians 4:4-7
Ellie Holcomb, Rusty Varenkamp, Benji CowartIt’s not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear
It’s not the road we would have chosen, no
The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead
But you’re asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song insteadAnd I didn’t know I’d find You here,
In the middle of my deepest fear
But You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me with peace
So I’ll lift my voice and sing
You’re gonna carry us through everything
And You are drawing near
You’re overwhelming all my fears with peaceYou say that I should come to you with everything I need
You’re asking me to thank You even when the pain is deep
You promise that You’ll come and meet us on the road ahead
And no matter what the fear says, You give me a reason to be gladCHORUS
Here in the middle of the lonely night
Here in the middle of the losing fight
You’re here in the middle of the deep regret
Here when the healing hasn’t happened yet
Here in the middle of the desert place
Here in the middle when I cannot see Your face
Here in the middle with Your outstretched arms
You can see my pain and it breaks Your heartCHORUS
Rejoice, Rejoice
Don’t have to worry bout a single thing
Cause You are overwhelming me with peaceDon’t have to worry bout a single thing
You’re gonna carry us through everything
Overwhelming peace