I keep an ongoing list of writing prompts when random things pop into my head. It’s saved as a memo on my phone so it’s easy to add to when I get ideas. Sometimes it’s just a word or two and more often than not, just a fleeting thought that’s underdeveloped until I get a chance to sit down at a keyboard and think more about it. Recently I started to notice a theme in my writing prompts…over and over again I came across the word guilt. Guilt over past insensitivity, guilt over yelling at my kids, guilt over the feelings of failure I have for not doing enough.
I’ve struggled with guilt over the way I was before having Gage– insensitive and not very empathetic to other’s needs. I was fairly ignorant about the special needs community before having a child with a disability. I felt so bad when I began realizing the challenges we would face for not having paid more attention to things like that in the past, and especially for not doing more for individuals I’d previously encountered in my life.
Another area that leaves me feeling bad is one that’s all too common—mom guilt. I bet every mom has been there at some point, and we probably all have a slightly different definition for it. What it means to me is the guilt I feel for losing my patience or being short-tempered with my kids. I feel like a crazy person when I’m exchanging screams with a 3 or 1 year old, but it happens. I blame sleep deprivation and definitely hit my lowest points in the middle of the night when one or both kids are up and unhappy.
The other part of mom guilt for me has to do with feeling like I can’t or don’t give enough. Again, I’m sure that’s a common theme among moms and know that my situation isn’t unique and I’m not alone in my feelings. But I do feel that raising a special needs child might intensify the mom guilt at times. It hits me the hardest when I realize the whole day has passed by and I didn’t get Gage in his standing frame at all, or he hasn’t even put on his AFOs, or I haven’t stretched him enough, etc., etc., etc.
Another type of guilt related specifically to special needs parenting is one that I haven’t experienced personally. But I’ve read repeatedly about moms who feel guilty for their child’s diagnosis. They feel somehow responsible—that their actions caused harm to their child. I personally don’t blame myself for getting a CMV infection while I was pregnant. No one intentionally gets sick, so even though I may have been able to take some steps to prevent it (had I known more about it) I don’t struggle with the guilt of causing Gage’s problems. My hope is that other special needs parents would be able to work through and get past any guilt that they feel as well.
After reading the word guilt over and over again in my prompts, I decided enough is enough and it was time to get my thoughts down in writing. Perhaps these first several paragraphs give you a little context to where my feelings come from, but that’s not really what I want to share the most. What I’d like to tell anyone struggling with feelings of guilt is STOP! I truly think that, for the most part, guilt accomplishes nothing, other than to make us feel bad and keep us from doing the good work God has for us. Maybe there are times when a person feels guilty for a wrongdoing and it leads to repentance that’s needed, but I think all too often guilt is a tool used by the enemy. The guilt I feel over my past insensitivity is wasted because I can’t go back and change the way I did things before. The mom guilt we all struggle with prevents us from enjoying the moments we do have with our kids, or the moments we have to ourselves when what we need most is a little break.
My point is that by letting guilt overtake us, nobody wins. We’re left feeling sad or believing the lie that we aren’t good enough or we’ve messed up so badly we can’t grow or change. I’m a firm believer that all feelings are valid and need to be processed. But I think guilt is a wasted emotion, all too often accompanied by shame, keeping us isolated and stagnant. I frequently have to remind myself to let go of guilt and instead live in the grace that God offers. As I wrap up this post, I wanted to leave you with a reminder to do the same, and searched for scripture about grace. That search yielded the same words over and over and over again. It was like God was literally reminding me, forcing me to read it repeatedly so the words would sink in. Just look at all the instances of the same message!
“May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace.”
Harboring feelings of guilt leaves me feeling anything but peaceful. That’s not what God wants for us. Let’s rely on him to give us grace and peace and let the guilt go.