Having a child with special needs is a roller coaster of emotions. There are so many highs and lows, and it’s tough to constantly be teetering back and forth between moments of elation and celebration and those of sadness, confusion and fear. During the first few months of Gage’s life, it seems like we were constantly at one doctor’s office or another. I remember how excited I would get over each and every ounce of weight he gained. I would send out mass text messages to family and friends proudly announcing any weight gain, or happily reporting positive results from a hearing or vision check. But there were other appointments that made it harder to follow up with a good report. Visits to the neurologist sometimes led to more questions than answers. Rather than leaving and sending a text saying “Gage’s brain ultrasound looks great!”, I was Googling things like “intracranial calcifications” and reading all the worst case scenarios.
The lows of my emotional roller coaster weren’t always caused by doctor visits. Sometimes the trap of comparing my child to other kids is why I ended up in tears. I found myself being jealous of the most trivial things that other kids could do, or having misplaced animosity towards other parents with typical concerns like teaching their toddlers to potty train or learn their colors. When I found myself struggling with resentment towards my other mom friends, I knew something had to change.
Every parent has challenges and struggles and I don’t get to feel sorry for myself or expect people to tiptoe around my emotions just because my child’s challenges are different than theirs. I realized that I need to feel all my emotions, but I get to choose how I let them affect me. My mantra became “better not bitter.” I don’t want to focus on the negative all the time. Although I can’t level out the peaks and valleys of our roller coaster, I can choose to look for the good things in our situation. And believe me, there are so many good things…snuggles from a sweet, sleepy boy…Gage’s “dancing” when I turn on the radio and he bobs his head to the beat…giggles and splashes in the bath tub with his little brother, just to name a few.
I shared my mantra with my husband, and he helps hold me accountable. He is my go-to person to vent to, because of course he gets it. But when I start to go on and on about something that bugs me, he’ll say “better not bitter” and totally call me out on the pity party I’m having. Obviously, I’m flawed and broken and have a long way to go. But I’d like to think that little by little I am becoming better and not bitter.
Better by being more patient, compassionate and empathetic than I used to be. Not bitter by letting go of trivial things I can’t control and by focusing on the positive and celebrating the joy found in each day. I know I’d be even more of a lost mess if I didn’t have the grace of God and the wonderful people he places in my life to help me along the way.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32