Along with having Gage in First Steps, the early intervention program, comes regular evaluations of his progress. We meet with our service coordinator about every 6 months to access Gage’s outcomes and adjust goals as necessary. Our initial meeting to set his goals was exciting. I held my tiny newborn while our OT talked about him rolling over, sitting to hold a toy, and holding his head upright. I was excited to imagine all the things Gage would do. The first eval came and went and left me feeling sad because none of his original goals were things we could check off our list, we only added to them. By that point, I was less starry-eyed and the old and new goals seemed more daunting than exciting.
Working and interacting with Gage on a day-to-day basis wasn’t sad for me, I enjoyed him just as he was and adored exchanging smiles and giggles with him, or snuggling and soothing him if he was upset. But each time we had an evaluation that was focused on his goals, it was hard not to think about all the things he couldn’t do, rather than celebrating accomplishments. As time has passed and I know what to expect, those meetings have gotten easier. But in preparation for our most recent meeting, I was reviewing all our goals and reading all the ways we planned to work with Gage to help him accomplish them. It left me feeling so guilty for not doing enough. Not working with him enough outside of our therapy sessions. I try not to focus on feelings of guilt, because I don’t think it accomplishes anything and tends to be a downward spiral of negativity. But as I read through the list of Gage’s many goals, those feelings surfaced and gave me a sense of inadequacy.
The next day I was walking with a friend (one of my favorite summer rituals) and she was telling me about an “ah-ha” moment she had when coming across a certain bible verse – 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 which says “Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” She quoted the verse to me and explained that she was always praying to know God’s will and after reading that verse, realized it is spelled out right there. As long as you remember to do these 3 things – be joyful, pray, and be thankful – you are doing enough. Although our conversation that morning was completely unrelated to my feelings of guilt and inadequacy from the day before, her words, especially “enough,” had tears welling up in my eyes. This is a close friend, so she’s probably used to seeing my spontaneously burst into tears by now, but I think it still caught her off guard since we were discussing something totally different. She wrapped me in a hug and asked, “Why are you crying???”
I explained how I had felt just the day before and how much her words touched my heart and were exactly what I needed to hear. We confided in each other how tough it is as moms to know if you’re doing enough. To be honest, there is always more we could do. Now more than ever we seem to be constantly reminded of that, whether it’s ideas from Pinterest, the trap of comparison or evaluating therapy goals. But what I learned that day and by studying that verse is that if I’m so worried about all the things I’m not doing enough of, I’ll lose sight of the three things I need to do most – be joyful, prayerful and grateful. I take comfort in knowing that’s God’s will for me.
Later that day, my friend and I met up again and she handed me a gift – her 
own bracelet with 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 engraved on it. I was reluctant to accept it at first, because I knew she recently got it for herself. Also, since my regular attire is now mostly sweat pants and t-shirts, I don’t wear jewelry much anymore. But she insisted, so I happily wear it any chance I get. It’s not only a reminder for me to stay joyful, pray and be thankful, it has sparked conversations and given me chance to encourage others as well. Next time you start to feel guilty or inadequate, please remember YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.
questions that come into play relate to whether or not he’ll get enough of what he needs. Will the PT, OT and speech therapy they do at school be enough? Will I know enough about what goes on when I’m not there with him? Will I be able to keep good, open communication with all his teachers and therapists at school? Once August rolls around and the new school year is underway, I hope I can answer yes to all these unknowns. Time will tell and I certainly don’t think his new school setting will hinder him, so I’m excited for what’s to come.
exciting. I’m so grateful for a plethora of choices (water therapy, art and music therapy, equine therapy, etc.) but it’s hard to know how much or little we should be doing, and how exactly we’ll be able to do (and afford) it all. But still, there are so many possibilities that give us plenty to look forward to.
As the months passed, it became more apparent that wasn’t necessarily the case. Among everyone involved in Gage’s life, I think I was the last one to realize this. It seems so odd to say that because besides Evan, I would argue that I know Gage better than anyone else on earth. But I see him through love-tinted glasses. I know not only his body and physical abilities, I get a glimpse at his soul. I will always believe that the very best is possible for him, even if he has a harder time than most. But as my eyes were opened more to reality versus my hope for the future, I began to slip into a state of depression.
awesome kid he is, but that wasn’t the reaction I had. I’m not sure why I struggled so much with it, because of course I was so proud of him and do believe he’s an awesome kid. I can easily tell you that now, and could then too after I regained my composure. I credit getting through those dark days to an awesome